Tuesday, May 6, 2014

In Search Of Self

I have been struggling for quite some time now to find myself, or to re-find myself, perhaps. Since I left academia three years ago, I have been floating, in limbo, trying to determine what it is I need to do with myself.

I've been having an identity crisis, I suppose, but it goes far deeper than that.

I've been struggling on a very basic level to understand my soul. Since I was 4 years old, my entire path was clearly laid out for me, with no questions about where I would end up. And yet, if you had asked me where I saw myself in five years, there is no possible scenario I can envision in which I would have said "here."

So, here I am.

No longer a "teacher" by trade. I am, I suppose, a "writer", though even that title seems awkward, and misleading. I have not been living my true self; I have only been going through the motions, ignorant of who I really am. The beauteous joy of finding my soul's passion has been withheld from me, and I have seen only pain and absence in its wake.

It is in these depths of questioning, searching, and wandering that the poem below emerged. I am not anywhere near suicidal, so please don't call the hotline about me, but I am lost.

I am empty.

I am waiting to find the fire that will set my soul alight once more. Perhaps restarting this blog will help me find my way. Until then, I am a lonely wanderer, staggering down the paths of life without a map or a light to guide me.


Powerful forces pummel me,
Sucking my soul into the depths,
Pulling and dragging,
Deeper into the mire,
Like Quicksand.
I feel the energy sapped out of me.
Each step forward I take,
Is negated many-fold,
As I sink deeper into the pit of despair.
Jungle vines taunt me from above,
Swinging desperately just out of reach
Providing no release from my torture.
Isolated, helpless,
I struggle against the mire
Hearing only the rush of the sand and water
Pounding in my eardrums.
Alone in my struggles,
The temptation to give in is palatable.
It would be so easy to surrender now,
To let the soundless rush enfold me,
Taking away the pain and sorrow
And leaving only peaceful nothingness.

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