Thursday, May 6, 2010

A Confession of sorts

I must admit, I have been struggling of late.

If you've been following my blog, then you know that my baby, Monte, has been facing some health issues, as I wrote about here and here. He's doing much better now, thankfully, and I even see glimmers of the feisty puppy emerging once again, for brief moments, so I know he's not quite ready to leave me yet.

But the stress of his illness, added to the already overwhelming stress of the events of this year, have taken their toll on my body and soul.

Physically, I have been a wreck. Flu. Migraines. Arthritis. A flare-up of my stress-induced fever blisters. My immune system has gone on strike. My body is a war zone, and I'm the one losing the war.

It is as if my body is telling me "stop the ride. I want to get off." It seems I have reached my breaking point.

And there has been a mental effect as well.

I am supposed to be on a "research contract" this term, meaning that I am supposed to be producing some significant results. In other words, I should be WRITING large pieces of my textbook project. And to date, I have completed 16 pages. Now mind you they are 16 GOOD pages. But 16 pages is not enough.

So I sit at my desk and stare at the piles of notes in front of me, thinking "I need to do this."

And I think about the other projects that I want to complete, including the Psychic Trails book that I have posted some excerpts from on earlier posts here, here, and here.

And I think about where my life is going. And how I need to get there. And how I'd really really rather not go back for another year at my current institution, under these stressful conditions.

And I find myself paralyzed.

So I turn to my new Osho Zen Meditation Cards. And they keep telling me the same things. I need to let go. I need to put the past behind me. I need to move on.

Well, heck, I KNOW all of that.

What I DON'T know is how to do it.

So that's where I'm stuck. How do I move past this stuck place, and move on into the new phase of my life that I know is there waiting for me?

I feel like I'm this beautiful crab tree, full of tight, red, buds, just waiting to BURST open into beautiful blossoms.....but first I need to find the right combination of air, water, and light to let me bloom.

I don't like being a stuck chick. In fact, I have always worked very hard at NOT being stuck. But right now I feel like I'm missing some gigantic sign that is out there, like a neon billboard, telling me which direction I need to turn.

Anyone else see my sign? I could use some help here....

Because one thing is crystal clear to me at this moment: I can not continue this way for much longer. It is likely to kill me before too long.

And I have far too much left to do for that to happen. Just like Monte. We need to stick around for a while longer.


Libby Ingram said...

I don't have any answers, but it sounds like this is the big storm before a breakthrough. I just encourage you to keep listening to your heart and be gentle with yourself.

Sending best wishes to you and to Monte.

Christiana Spiritguide said...

Thank you, Libby. And yes, that's what it's been feeling like to me, too. Like it's all pent up inside there, just waiting for the right moment to spill out and engulf me.

I am trying, very very hard, to listen to my heart.

Thanks again.


Rae said...

I'm thinking that you shouldn't go back to your institution next term. That institution has given you so much grief and heartache. I know you love teaching, but why go back there? Do you HAVE to? Will you be happy going back for one more term? I think that if you made the decision to NOT go back, that you will have a huge weight lifted off your shoulders. There are so many other things out there for you to do. You know you will have your hubby's, family's, and friend's support in any decision you make. But I really think you need to make the decision that it best for YOU and for YOUR health. Hang in there!
~Your totally awesome niece ;)

Christiana Spiritguide said...

Rae - Thanks so much for your support. I am so very very very lucky to have Dave and his (awesome) family behind me.

If I had anywhere else to go, I would walk away in a heartbeat...but I need a paycheck.

Believe me, I'm looking....

I have already made several decisions that I would not have made last year about how much to give (in terms of time and energy) to that place.....that's huge step forward for me!

Today I am rejoicing in all of the POSITIVES in my life, and at the top of the list is my hubby, our pets, and our huge circle of family and friends, without whom I don't know what I would do! I am very, very blessed.

Rae said...

I'm glad you are taking steps forward and I'm glad you are thinking of the positives in your life!