Thursday, May 6, 2010
A Confession of sorts
I must admit, I have been struggling of late.
If you've been following my blog, then you know that my baby, Monte, has been facing some health issues, as I wrote about here and here. He's doing much better now, thankfully, and I even see glimmers of the feisty puppy emerging once again, for brief moments, so I know he's not quite ready to leave me yet.
But the stress of his illness, added to the already overwhelming stress of the events of this year, have taken their toll on my body and soul.
Physically, I have been a wreck. Flu. Migraines. Arthritis. A flare-up of my stress-induced fever blisters. My immune system has gone on strike. My body is a war zone, and I'm the one losing the war.
It is as if my body is telling me "stop the ride. I want to get off." It seems I have reached my breaking point.
And there has been a mental effect as well.
I am supposed to be on a "research contract" this term, meaning that I am supposed to be producing some significant results. In other words, I should be WRITING large pieces of my textbook project. And to date, I have completed 16 pages. Now mind you they are 16 GOOD pages. But 16 pages is not enough.
So I sit at my desk and stare at the piles of notes in front of me, thinking "I need to do this."
And I think about the other projects that I want to complete, including the Psychic Trails book that I have posted some excerpts from on earlier posts here, here, and here.
And I think about where my life is going. And how I need to get there. And how I'd really really rather not go back for another year at my current institution, under these stressful conditions.
And I find myself paralyzed.
So I turn to my new Osho Zen Meditation Cards. And they keep telling me the same things. I need to let go. I need to put the past behind me. I need to move on.
Well, heck, I KNOW all of that.
What I DON'T know is how to do it.
So that's where I'm stuck. How do I move past this stuck place, and move on into the new phase of my life that I know is there waiting for me?
I feel like I'm this beautiful crab tree, full of tight, red, buds, just waiting to BURST open into beautiful blossoms.....but first I need to find the right combination of air, water, and light to let me bloom.
I don't like being a stuck chick. In fact, I have always worked very hard at NOT being stuck. But right now I feel like I'm missing some gigantic sign that is out there, like a neon billboard, telling me which direction I need to turn.
Anyone else see my sign? I could use some help here....
Because one thing is crystal clear to me at this moment: I can not continue this way for much longer. It is likely to kill me before too long.
And I have far too much left to do for that to happen. Just like Monte. We need to stick around for a while longer.