Part of the Answer I Seek.....

So, right after I posted my last entry here, about feeling stuck and paralyzed, I decided to turn to the Osho deck once more, and give it one more try.

Interesting, how it works.

As I shuffled the cards, I said to the deck, "Ok, I know what's wrong - I know I'm stuck. But tell me how to get UNstuck. What do I do NEXT?"

And I felt the energy pulsing through the cards. Felt the rhythms in them. Felt my hands absorbing it.

And I drew a single card, and turned it over.

Guilt.

It was the Guilt card.

And here's the accompanying commentary for this card. It says:

"Guilt is one of the most destructive emotions in which we can get caught. If we have wronged another, or gone against our own truth, then of course we will feel bad. But to let ourselves be overwhelmed with guilt is to invite a migraine."

WHAT? "invite a migraine?" DUH.

It goes on...

"We end up surrounded by nagging clouds of self-doubt and feelings of worthlessness to the point where we cannot see any of the beauty and joy that life is trying to offer us. We all long to be better people - more loving, more aware, more true to ourselves. But when we punish ourselves for our failures by feeling guilty, we can get locked into a cycle of despair and hopelessness that robs us of all clarity about ourselves and the situations we encounter. You are absolutely okay as you are, and it is absolutely natural to go astray from time to time. Just learn from it, move on, and use the lesson not to make the same mistake again."

Wow.

The commentary goes on to state:

"How can you enjoy life if you are continuously feeling guilty?...It becomes impossible to delight in life. You become heavy, loaded. Guilt sits on your chest like a rock, it crushes you; it does not allow you to dance. How can you dance? How can guilt dance? How can guilt sing? How can guilt love? How can guilt live? So the one who things he is doing something wrong is guilty, burdened, dead before death, has already entered the grave."

Yep.

There it is.

I need to let go of the deep levels of guilt I have over my "failure". When talking to others about the events of the past year, I have said "I did my best". Apparently, I didn't believe that, or I wouldn't feel this incredible guilt.

But I did.

I did what I could do. I approached my job (and my life) with diligence and care, and devoted attention to the things that needed to get done. I tried to balance my life and see that nothing was neglected.

I. did. my. best.

And I need to believe that, let go, and move on.

Because I need to dance, and sing, and love, and live. And guilt always stands in the way.

So here's to being true, and living real, and for not apologizing when it falls short of other people's expectations.

Here's to releasing my guilt, and freeing my mind and body from its clammy grasp.

Here's to the future. Guilt-free.

Here's to me.